moving in with mom after dad died

We all grieved in different ways, some of us still visibly grieving, six years later. He just doesnt get it.. I am very sensitive to the ACs loss and feelings about the loss of their mother. Today is the one year anniversary of my mothers death from a 6 month battle with pancreatic cancer. My experience with this is quite similar. Morally, she is culpable for her indifference to my sufferings but he permitted her to behave the way she did and does. Below are the six things I learned to do in life, which helped me to survive the past six years: This is very clichd, I agree, but that doesn't make it any less valid. We only dated for 3 short, wonderful months. These things may be forgiven but a person cannot erase the pain from their memory unless they have memory loss. Dad started dating Stepmother #1 who happened to be my mothers best friend immediately (if not before my mom died). We donated most, but I took the time to go through every item, so I kept a few that I liked. My dad met his new and first girlfriend since my moms passing early this year. I know it is 2017 and my mom passed 5 months ago, but your message was as if I wrote it. I am on-line trying to find information and guidance on how best to reconcile my love for my daughter, the need my boys have for a mother figure (they absolutely love her by the way), and how to explore the possibilities of a life with this woman. The Day My Father Died She went on vacation with her friends this past week (it was a pre-planned vacation and she didn't want to go, but we convinced her it would be a good idea for her to go). I am married and living about an hour from my parents house. Also, it's hard for me to really be 100% supportive for her when I am going through tons of grief as well. Oh how I wish I had found this website after my Mother passed,18 months ago. I am in 12 grade and this thing has stuck in my mind which is degrading my performance in studies. I would not allow myself to start crying even one more time. She wears daisy duke shorts and mini skirts and tight dresses. With us not around all the time, I'm worried that she just won't be eating. They were the priority, my need to be with a man or re-marry, was not the priority. I dont want my dad to be sad or lonely, but his wife of 54 years, the love of his youth is gone. He resented being taken out for visits almost as if he felt we were at fault. Many hurtful things were said between my father and myself where we stopped talking and strained our relationship. I do know that I took my Dads death much harder than my mother did. I have been reading through previous posts and feeling much better that I am not alone. Ellen and my dad married in October of 2004 just a little over a year after my Mom passed away. My dad went online 7 months after my mom passed away and met someone. If he is not in a healthy relationship with you, how can he be in a healthy relationship with the girls? I am not even one bit curious about her and I never ask any questions. I guess I have it wrong Anna, I thought its was about what made my mom happy. Yes it is about my happiness but my family does come first. Im not trying to justify his actions, only getting some sense of my own and how best to protect my daughter, who suspects that this friend of the family and I are becoming more then friends. My mother wasnt cold in the grave! I would have had no problem with their friendship because I didnt want him to be lonely but my mother was a good mother & wife to him for 60 years, raised their 3 children together & helped him run a business for most of those years before retiring together. I would hate for one of Ellens sons to get them and sell them. I feel like you. A month or so later my father started to talk to a new woman. Its April now and my dad has a new girlfriend he wants me to meetwow. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment. He really only cares about himself. She would repeat herself, tell weird stories, slur her speach. Claims that i do everything to aggravate her. I still have to remind myself that feeling guilty is not productive. Cheap internet dating aside. 03/10/2020 23:12. We ask only that we be allowed the to take time to grieve before spending time with the new love of his life. Wow. But if you don't have advance notice (or that type of relationship), be gentle with yourself. Your dad did. One thing I must emphasise to you is that you have nothing at all to feel guilty about and the fact that you are is as a result of your fathers behaviour. I am copying it here because I wanted to share my story and also share the response that I thought was really helpful to me. I lost my Mom to cancer at the end of 2010. She spoke with great detail about a moment when she was riding the subway with her dad and chose to keep her headphones in as he was trying to speak to her about his faith. I dont really want a relationship with her. And perhaps, someday, he will meet a woman who shares his values and can make a life with him. So, your parent is moving on and has found a new love. What is wrong with that? She did cook a birthday dinner for me once the first year she and my Dad were married. I didnt mean for this post to get so long theres a lot Im not even saying.. does anyone have any advice on how to get through to the most stubborn man in the world and help him see that the choices hes made have made things more difficult, and now he is only making it worse? I did not mind that he was dating it all comes down, to who he is dating. Oh and one more thing, on top of all this he continues to traumatized me by giving my moms and grandmas car to this lady to drive and she even uses my moms dresser and this just is so wrong I want to die sometimes to make it stop. As much as I understand all this, I still find it so incredibly difficult to accept him dating. They visit for birthdays and events. I almost swallowed my own tongue after hearing him say that. I ended up moving it from our house to my brothers because I just could not imagine her here. He drives her everywhere even though she has a car sitting outside her door,THEY BOTH go visiting her family together,regularly together,yet its only dad alone that visits my family and sisters. It appears to me that your dad has been extremely lonely since your mom passed and he feels this woman has given him life again. I have told my dad that I felt she disrespected my mother with what she was doing and his reply was well if thats how you feel. That this woman was cleaning personal stuff of my moms in her house made me so angry. He wanted to come here with her and I said no. So sada horrible lesson of how not to act..and it has only now been 7 months. 1) remarrying within 8 months of your spouses death and wanting to insert the new wife into everyones life regardless of their feelings; Well soon to find out a few months after i found out there secretly dating. Everyone grieves whatever amount is right for them. Im Dave who posted in November of 2014 . Back in July my Dad and his girlfriend got married and moved in together. We all need the support of the family, during the process of grieving and for the rest of our lives. Too say that I have issues with it would be an understatement. I believe that we have to be aware of the family feelings of loss, where are they in their journey, understanding and caring about it is important and may help your relationship with your children. The next time I saw her was 2 weeks later in the hospital. I encouraged him to go? He only started dating after a few years (well, to what we know and thats fair in my eyes). One of her friends has a special arrangement with her new husband. Dont ask me why as I could not tell you! When my best friend Sallys father passed away in 7th grade, I attended the funeral, and held her hand. I still live in my fathers home with my husband and fur babies. I lost my father true enough and I was not ready for my moms friend trying to be my dad. In March, a recent widow called my dad and made contact. I am a little hesitant because not thinking about my dad is helping me to be able to go on with my life, and I'm worried that talking about my feelings will just make me think about them all the time. And paperwork etc. We are very compatible and truly love spending time together. I take peoples feelings into consideration in any situation a lot of times before my own. She didnt shed one tear at his death bed or funeral and has been out with one of his friends who carried the coffin within weeks of Dads death (only on occasional basis as he has a complicated relationship with someone else whatever) and I have not stopped her. My sisters and I are not comfortable with this because it has become quite serious and it has also changed her personality. But you are the one who is grieving, not your Father, and you can experience it any number of ways. It is weird cause growing up i was over this persons house all the time hanging out with my friend her daughter and now she is seeing my dad.just weird. Again, the problem is that it happened too soon no time for him to grieve properly or me. He passed away, 'while. Even as if it. I dont like hanging with her because all she talks about is my weight, my skin, and repeated stories about things I dont feel comfortable about (example: your father doesnt want me to wear clothes to bed. He should worry about his own 20 year old daughter, not her kids. I dont know if my Mom would have approved of Ellen or not, but I do feel that she would not have approved of some of Ellens behavior towards me or my family. This is exactly how I am feeling right now. Clearly the loss of a spouse is a very traumatic and difficult experience and moms sadness is natural. Just forced her into all are lives. She doesnt even have a headstone on her grave yet. When my mom passed, I realized almost immediately how little of a relationship I had with my dad. Do not live in the same painful place, allow yourself and your family to move on, to grow. What kind of man allows this? Even my 18 year old daughter says about her granddad, Hea acting like a teenage who just broke up with his girlfriend and is in a rebound relationship. Only, his girlfriend was his wife for 54+ years. This lola lady died last summer. Its over. I feel like she is trying to isolate him and Im playing right into as I voice my opinions to him. Whether at the giving end of things or the receiving endwe want to hear from you. Oh honey, there's no such thing as grieving too much or too little. If, in all circumstances you ask yourself the question: Is this how my mom would choose for me to be living my life? Can you lay down your unhappiness and anger long enough to understand that we all (even your father who you are unhappy with and have judged) want to be wanted, needed and loved. Focus your energy on creating the kind of life that would be a tribute to your mom.love your children; love your spouse but most of all love yourself the way she would have loved you. I guess I wrote this hoping to give a Dads perspective and ask that those struggling try to accept the new person in your life and get to know them enough to judge them as they are. I choose instead to honour my moms memory because she was a loving and gentle woman who he adored and loved. Don't underestimate the importance of helping with little things. Now my father and his wife have asked by written correspondence to be able to take our daughters, seven and nine, for a few days. He will now have to go through it. Let me preface that by stating Im an only child and he is really the only family I have, outside of my husabnd and kids. I think the worst thing to do would be to follow my instincts and just never see her, and by extension, him, again. Well the evening ended, said to my husband on the way home I know where my moms ROLEX watch is he says on the new wife wristOMG I wasnt seeing things, I told my middle sister so the next time we saw them she took a look and yup, I was rightShe is still wearing it to this day and that just makes me sick It felt like he was choosing her over his family. he sold his home and moved into the womans house. I cant lie to my dad about my feelings so I just tell him how it is. And if he has no relationship with you, he has no relationship with them. Remind her she's still got family, that she's not alone. And.. Its at once comforting to find other people who relate, and daunting to imagine that these feelings might not fade with time and age. How do I deal with it? She asked me and my fianc if we would come stay and help her out. We all brought pizzas over and his girlfriend brought cookies & fudge, etc. He was so happy that we were there in his hometown, with him and his family (since here he doesnt have that extended family). Now his wife has him to herself. I requested that she be called by her first name. So, as a girlfriend, find a man that does not hurt his own children for the sake of a woman who was never the mother of his children and use the excuse of making him happy, time does not matter, and who cares about the fact that you have impacted in a very negative and damaging way the relationship in a family. Your father may not recognise the implications of how his actions will impact generations. Unfortunately, dads answer to all this was telling me not to come by because girlfriend will be there and I know you two dont get along. Ellen has the strangest relationship with her two adult sons, or at least it seems strange to me. My father fawned over her and treated her like a goddess. My parents had been together since they were 14 and 15 years old (and married since their early 20s), so my dad had no idea how to be alone. So, she has no concept of what it is like to be a grandmother and quite frankly I hope she never has any biological grandchildren as she doesnt deserve to be a grandmother. I honestly did not know that after the funeral and her burial that I could ever feel so much pain inside again. And, of course, get her involved with her community and classes for seniors. But, I got through it, and now, six years later, I look back at all the moments in my life when I felt like I couldn't go on and smile on them because they've made me strong and they were raw. People grieve in different ways, but we all experience the pain, the hurt, the images that will haunt us probably for the rest of our lives,(it will get a little better) the isolation, the depression, loss of direction, the anger, and the acceptance of what happened and the hope that things will be better in the future. My mom passed away in February & the woman that came knocking at my front door was my moms first cousin. Move I sometimes try to step back and look at both sides. Kind regards Gaynor, I am in the same situation, I am the oldest of 5 children, the other 4 have diffrent views but basically they dont want to piss daddy off because they might get the treatment I am getting. You and your dad need to talk ask him to tell you how he is feeling too since he lost your mom. I was experiencing more emotions in one yearthan I had ever felt in my lifetime. I think one thing my life has taught me is that emotional maturity is not age dependent. Forgiveness will change your life and set you free. Also, I'm not sure how exactly I'm supposed to be feeling, and I'm wondering if maybe I'm not grieving enough because I am trying to be self-sufficient and go on with my life and not be extremely depressed over it all the time. Now, friends and she permed and we share a picture of a support group a few months ago. Three months after my mothers passing, it really starts to hit me. My mother-in-law passed away May 2009. It seems more like she is having a party instead of respecting my fathers memory. I really feel your pain. I am so hurt by all of this. From the beginning, Ellen and her mother who was still alive at the time were very pushy with me in terms of trying to establish a relationship that I just simply was not ready for as it was too soon and I had not had time to grieve my Mom. This made my life about 1000x worse to make a long story short, the storm passed and my dad and Is relationship had gotten better over the two and a half years since my mommas passing, and thats what she wouldve wanted. I think he expects both the families to just blend together like the Brady bunch and I dont think thats ever going to happen. When she retired she moved in full time leaving her family down south. Dad was a wonderful caregiver. My question. 250 | 250 | By Ive tried ignoring it and being the bigger person always doing her dishes, then she starts moving in more on my house putting her mark everywhere and being home all day in my grandma house. Not giving him a chance. If someone lost a leg would we feel we could say Cheer up at least you still have one! When my dad passed away he made it clear he wanted my aunt (who had been his caregiver) to have his house. We had no problems with this arrangement I would say the best thing you could do is tell him very firmly that unless he changes his thought process and his ways with you and your siblings that you will have nothing else to do with him and if that is the way he wants it, then just end it there. Does your mother want and/or need you to move in? Hello my. My mom passed away October 2015. I want him to be happyI really dobut concerned and feeling robbed of my dad. I wish you the best through these troubling hours. I dont think he was very tactful when he delivered the news of our engagement to them, and I dont think that they expected that he was going to propose after 2 1/2 years, why not? Good luck. Funny I said to my husband recently that if someone had said to me that for the amount of money I may inherit I could have not gone through 35 years of trauma I would gladly have given up the cash. Told my parents to come here and live at not charge except maintenance and taxes on house , and that they could stay there forever. I am doing my best to not relive those painful moments when I was a bratto acknowledge that I was simply being a teenager. They analyze all of their failed relationships, reminisce, and learn about each other more deeply. I recently sent a letter to an online relationship advice column and they responded to my letter. What the actualI have three cells (mine plus kids) and a landline and probably pay less than $200 - Canadian. But he wasnt the only one affected upon his wifes death as Lisa B. commented. My dad broke up with this woman. Then today, I get a textwe are now man and wife. From this minute I got there that morning, my sister was already there, and Dad he kept trying to rush the evadible . Our family members secluded us, for reasons that are not even worth the effort of sharing but that made us 4 tight. Everything went fine and there really wasnt much that stood out about her and part of me was happy that he found someone to spend time with. He was her caretaker and he held her hand to the very end. I am a 45 yr old man who lost his wife of 18 years and partner for over 23 yrs after a long battle with cancer. What kind of person pursues the spouse of a dying person? Ironic that what motivated me to try to forgive was the fact I did not want him to be alone. My father met a woman (shes actually renting our old house) about a year and a half ago. My mom passed away in October of 2010 after a six-month battle with lung cancer. We all are afraid to be alone. This woman is playing him, I feel sure. Dealing with the same situation , except I have known this lady for many many years, and did not now like her do to some things she did to me, and that she is sneaky, manipulative, and nasty. I felt guilty when I said I dont want to meet him, but since reading everyones comments I know im not an evil person for feeling that way. I supported him finding companionship. I wouldnt have even known, except I checked on the plan today to find it all for me to see.. She is also apparently data-greedy.and has used almost 2 gb of our shared 6 gb data in 10 days what the heck is she streaming? She's also very young and has plenty of time to work. The S flat out told me he did not have a problem with our dating. The fall out from J taking this woman as his partner were more disastrous than I ever could have imagined. My mom passed away quickly from a rare cancer 2 months ago. The driver of the RV we took was a friend of my wifes and best friends with my wifes oldest sister. Her house sold and then all of a sudden she is living in my parents house. I feel this women is just looking to have someone take care of her and support her, and that she is hoping to move into my parents house. All caregiving stories matter. I also sent her thinking of you cards in the mail, knowing how she loves to send them to others herself. We had a great time. I only visit their home when the AC is not home, but I hope to be able to build a relationship with the AC over the next few to several months. That would not be my idea of telling those who are angry, devastated, confused and yes feeling it is wrong, disrespectful and hurting the very person you say you want to make happy in the end, DOES CLASS AND DECENCY RIGHT A BELL IN YOUR INCONSIDERATE AND SELFISH MIND? I get emotional every time and do not how to deal with it. We have to live it the best we can and not have any regrets later on. But Im really confused about how to take it all! Its been a little over 4 years since my mothers death. I decided to move out July of that year to live with my boyfriend. I feel that he is not in the right frame of mind right now to even be thinking about a relationship. When driving back from hospital the other week he asked who would be taking him back the following day. I will always love him and be there for him, but I dont know him and to be honest, I feel like I lost both parents when my mom died. Your relationship may not last but the pain will most certainly endure. I would like to speak to the women dating widowed men. Hong kong dollars 1.78 million to inform her son. In fact, I wasnt finished eating, I had just gotten up to help my aunt and was going back to finish eating when he said he was going. I resent this woman very much & truly dont want her in my life but at the same time, I feel she gives him a reason to keep living. I basically kicked her out of my home. I dont feel I owe her a Mothers Day card as she is not my mother and I could care less about her and my Dads wedding anniversary. Now, try the right place. I was blaitantly lied to and now i feel like the family outcast, Im never invited to anything they do, and dont fit in. It took a long time for me to be able to do this, and I am not perfect at this. If you read this could you message me in the hope that we can help each other ? Your relationship is decades longer, and your link to your father is through a woman no longer alive. she is like a dog marking her territory. Did you ever think you would be grieving like you are? I got word through the grapevine that Ellens mother was telling her biological grandchildren that she had to treat me, my kids and my brother the same as them, blah, blah, blah. At first we were being invited to some of their family get-togethers that I politely declined as I did not feel comfortable attending them. I love my dad and he is a great dad but hes not handling this well and hes a crappy husband. I just wish I had read all these stories so I wouldnt have felt so alone! Maybe I am looking too much into this. My parents did everything with my husband and I. Things that I feel need to stay in the family. The first. Dear Erin, Im sorry that you havent been able to share your grief with your mother at a time when youre both reeling from this tremendous loss. I even told my mom not to give me anything, because I knew my dad would be awful. A few times between lockdowns, I would visit with her and just sit on the couch beside her watching along with her. She is creating the need and doesnt like to be alone. His response about this has been so offensive that is has resulted in some family members wanting to not have any further contact with him. When my sister died, my father filled out all of the paper work on his own, and it definitely made him more depressed.

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